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               It seems we'uns picked on them thar hillbillies,then the rednecks.Now,you Yankees really didn't think we wuz goin' to leave you alone,did ya?No sech luck.We'uns  pick on evrybidy.Okey dokey-we'uns is off lak a herd of turtles.

  Facts about Houston, Texas

The City of Houston, the Bayou City, Space City, Harris
and surrounding counties...

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is YEEWS-TUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

2. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that
downtown Houston is composed entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and
start over when you reach Dallas.

3. All directions start with "Go down Westheimer..."

4. Westheimer has no beginning and no end.

5. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

 6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Houston.

 7. Kuykendahl (kirk-en-doll) Road can only be pronounced by a native,so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

 8. The falling of one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease. Fortunately all schools, businesses and city government close when the word snow is mentioned.

9. Construction on the Gulf Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

10. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase,"Oh, we're in Montrose!"

11. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

12. If some one actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

13. Buying a Houston street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Streets Department of the City.

14. Asking directions will help you get acquainted with the numerous recent residents. It will not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.

15. Houston natives are so rare that they are listed on the endangered species list. Even they can't help with directions though,
as most streets are still under construction and have recently changed names.

16. What you need to know when arriving at Bush Inter-continental Airport: Your arrival gate is at least 32 miles away from the Main Concourse of any terminal. Walking heels on your boots or walking shoes are advised.

17. Never honk your horn at another car in Houston traffic. The bumper sticker that reads, "Keep honking, I'm reloading" is considered a fair warning.

18. Exit and entry ramps on the freeway are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

Survival Tips for Yankees moving to the South


These are funny but as right as rain--almost as much fun as we have bein' silly.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 

2.If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as"Bubba".   You have a 75% chance of being right. 

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  Stay home the two days of the year it snows. ( This is the truth if I ever heard it.Two years ago we got an ice storm they blocked off the freeways to keep us from killin" ourselves.)

4. If you drive your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.This is what they live for. True

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 

6. Do not buy food at the movie store. 

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. Absolutely true.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. 

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 

11. People walk slower here. (Get behind somebody in a store when you're in a hurry and you'll see how true this is.Sometimes I check their pulse to see if they're alive.)

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 

13.The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck"  or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 

14.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those  who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait 
until November. 

21.If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the  most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. (You should seen us when the last tropical depression blew in.Right there in the grocery store.I almost got blown away in the parking lot.We do it everytime.)

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer.This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in 
  common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud  and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". 

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed  and lane position for the vehicle. Amen.Lawdy,lawdy.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

You'll get the knack of being in the South in no time.If you survive the first year,you got it made.We might be a little teched but we're friendly.


  You might be a Yankee if . . 

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had grain alcohol.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are
    on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
       his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all,"you call
      them 'you'se guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife

19. You think that more money should go to important scientific research
      at your university, than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
    of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob,
     Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Don, Mary Alice, et al)

28a. You do know what "et al" means.

.29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
30. You've never been to a crafts show.

31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32. You can't do your laundry without quarters.

33. None of your fur coats is homemade.

34.Your horn is the most important feature on your vehicle.*

35.You think a pickup is a drunk at a bar.*

36.Your roaches are called "waterbugs".Ours are just plain roaches.*

*From my original work.

How you can tell it is going to be a really bad day

You wake up face down on the pavement. 

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 

You see a TV news team waiting in your office. 

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any .

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the City. 

Your twin sister forgot your birthday .

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. 

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway .

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat .

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture .

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose .

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. 

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband. 

Your income tax check bounces. 

You put both contact lenses in the same eye .

Your pet rock snaps at you. 

Your husband says,"Good morning, Sally" and your name is Jane.

  Did you ever wonder?---Points to Ponder

Why is it called "rush hour" when your car barely moves?

 If Superman is so clever, why is his underwear on the outside?

 If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

You know how cartons say, "Open Here." What are the chances of seeing one that says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

 If it's a circular drive, how do you get out?

 Why does sour cream have a "use by" date?

 Why is it that when you deliver something by car, it's called a shipment,
and when you deliver something by boat, it's called cargo?

 How do "Don't Walk on the Grass" signs get there?

 Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

 It toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their
feet,what would happen if you strapped the buttered toast on the back of the cat and dropped them both?

 If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? 

 Has anyone ever forgotten how to ride a bicycle?

 Why do they call it a "garage sale" when the garage is not for sale?

 If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Are cows always in fashion because they are always wearing leather?

Why has the cost of living still not affected it's popularity?

Do chocolate eggs come from chocolate chickens?

Why does everybody have a different definition of 'good enough'?

We all know the speed of light, but what is the speed of dark?

Why don't we ever hear about gruntled employees?

How do they get the deer to cross at the road sign?

Where is the 'any' key on my computer keyboard?

There are many people scared of heights, why aren't there people scared of widths?

In exams, why does it say 'Write in your own words'? Surely you can't just go and make up your own words?

According to statisticians there is a 14 million to one chance of winning the lottery, and a 1 million to one chance of being run over and killed by a bus. So why don't more people bet on getting run over by a bus?

Can a red-green color-blind person ever truly experience Valentines Day and Saint Patricks day?

Is luck a losers excuse for a winners position?

Why is a Laundrymat called a Laundrymat and not a Laundry-washing and drying place outside your home that you have to pay for? And why is the Mat added anyway?

Is the hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the bread?

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are your waiting?

Why is the greatest pleasure in life doing something others tell you that you cannot?

When shops have a sign on the door 'Guide dogs only' who is supposed to read it? The dog?

Is the lottery a tax on people who are bad at maths?

Is gambling the only way of getting nothing for something?

Why is the phrase 'It's none of my business' always followed by 'but...'?

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee?

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, would the first woodpecker to come along destroy civilization?

Why don't people on television ever go to the toilet?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button always stays the same?

Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand?

Why is the best way to get things done to do it yourself?

Are unripened oranges called greens?

If LSD was to be advertised on T.V., would the slogan be 'LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand'?

Can you beat the drum of your ear?

Is experience what you get when you don't get what you want?

When travelling at the speed of sound, can you still hear the radio?

Why do teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly the same?

Even as we approach the 21st century, when central heating has become almost standard, why are there few more inviting prospects on a winter's night than an open log fire?

Does it prove that life is hard by the fact that no-body gets out of it alive?

Why do shops always discontinue any brand that sells well?

Why do important letters that apparently contain no mistakes when sent always seem to develop them in the post?

If you don't know where you're going, how are you supposed to get there?

Does the information super-highway have service stations?

To be or not to be... Is that a trick question?

If life is hard, shouldn't we all be wearing helmets?

Is Windows 95 the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology?

How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?

Is a bad looser automatically a bad winner as well? 

If you use indoor fireworks, do you need to shut your pets outside?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, would you be able to keep away three doctors a day by eating an apple every eight hours?

Is the best way to keep the doctor away by throwing the apple at him? 

When you are sitting on the bus late for work, is everyone else on that bus also late?

How can you look up a spelling in a dictionary? Surely you must already know the  spelling to look it up?

If religion is so good, how come it started so many wars?

Why are people that describe themselves as 'larger-than-life' always so one dimensional that if you turned them 90 degrees to the side you would not be able to see them?

According to people who practice homeopathy 'like cures like' - so would you cure the 'flu by getting somebody with a cold to sneeze over you?

Would you be able to use hypnotherapy if you had problems with your hip? 

They say some skin creams are dermotologically tested, who is this Dermot O'logical? 

If university is a fountain of knowledge, why are most of the students there to drink?

Is a Polar Bear a rectangular Bear after a co-ordinate transform?

If the only tool you had was a hammer would every problem resemble a nail?

Why has the cost of living still not affected it's popularity?

Did the Roman empire fall because they had no way of indicating zero?

Is the art of diplomacy the ability to say 'nice doggy' until you find a gun?

Do chocolate eggs come from chocolate chickens?

Why does everybody have a different definition of 'good enough'?

If everyone settled for good enough, would things be good enough? ...Of coarse the would, because everyone believes things are good enough. The only reason to change something is if someone feels it's not good enough. Therefore, if everyone felt everything was good enough, nothing would have to change, and things would ALWAYS be good enough. GOOD ENOUGH? 
(NOTE from Trish:This sounds like Congress trying to explain Impeachment)

Star Wars starts 'A long time ago, in a galaxy far away...' - Yet how come everything is so futuristic?

Why do aliens in sci-fi films always speak English, with an American accent?

If you ordered a pizza with no toppings would you have to pay extra because it's a speciality pizza?

If absence makes the heart grow fonder how come long distance relationships always fail?

Should you live every day as if it were your last because eventually, one day you'll be right?

If life's a big joke, why don't I get it? 

Mustn't counting the pollen for the pollen count be very boring?

Under the sea, how come it's always the starfish that gets to be the sheriff?

Did Farmers create Mad Cow Disease just to make the rest of the population as mad as they are?

We hear so much about couch potatoes, when will we hear about couch broccoli?

If you didn't have dis-belief, would you need faith?

If Spiderman became arachnaphobic would he be scared of himself?

Are lies just the truth from a different angle?

What would happen if you installed a trap window instead of a trap door? And wouldn'  this be the same as a normal window? 

Does Law only apply to those that do something wrong?

Can you have only one plural?

Why do they give hurricanes names?

Who is the amateur cameraman that manages to get footage from all the major  disasters?

Is deep sea diving a very high pressure job? 

How can you tell what time you went to sleep?

How can anyone NOT read their own handwriting?

Why are there inter-state highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when we're driving and looking for an address, we turn the volume on the radio down?

We all know the speed of light, but what is the speed of dark?

Why don't we ever hear about gruntled employees?

What would happen if they found an ancient burial ground underneath a serial killer house? 

Does a tourist information centre tell you about the tourists that have visited?

Could you ask the direction to the nearest tourist information center from a tourist information center?

How do they get the deer to cross at the road sign?

Why are there use-by dates on sour cream containers?

Is lighting the only difference between pornography and erotica?

Is sanity madness put to good use?

Where is the 'any' key on my computer keyboard?

When they interview the next door neighbors of serial killers, is it so strange the neighbors say 'They were loners' every time?

What is the point of brick wallpaper?

When you've lost something, and ask somebody else if they've seen it, why do the always say 'Where did  you leave it?' If you knew where you left it, it wouldn't be lost.

There are many people scared of heights, why aren't there people scared of widths?

In exams, why does it say 'Write in your own words'? Surely you can't just go and make up your own words?

Should you photocopy your watch if you want time to spare?

Do people demand freedom of speech just to make up for the freedom of thought which they don't have?

What do the Swiss army do with those knives?

Does an existentialist map have 'You are here' written all over it?

Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open? 

What did they go back to before drawing boards were invented?

How come pizza gets to your house quicker than the police do?

How long will a floating point operation float?

Was Jimi Hendrix's Modem a Purple Hayes? 

Do frogs have an easy life because they can always eat what bugs them?

If the going suddenly gets easy, does it mean that you're going downhill?

Is a friend somebody who knows you, but likes you anyway?

Can short sighted drivers get prescription windscreens?

What would of happened if the ten commandments were multiple choice?

Is the best way to learn safety rules by accident?

Does the fact that intelligent life from another planet has never contacted us prove that it does exist?

If it isn't fun, why do it?

Would the easiest way to become wise be to think of something stupid, and then to say the opposite?

Is the best way you could achieve immortality not through your work, but by not dying?

Is it true that the only way to avoid the risk of failure is by not succeeding at anything

Is change inevitable in everything except a vending machine? 

Are children that get cancer smokers in a former life?

Why do some documents have pages with 'This page intentionally left blank' written o some pages? Surely these pages are not blank when they have 'This page is intentionally left blank' written on them?

To become a model employer would you simply have to employ a model?

Would an agnostic dyslexic insomniac lie awake all night wondering if there really is  dog?

Why do US congressmen run for congress, but UK politicians only stand for parliament?

Would it be hard to make a date with someone who is into bondage because they'r always tied up?

What is the use of a white felt tip pen?

Why are the people who mend shoes also so good at cutting keys? 

Where is 'The blue'? - People are always phoning out of it

How can people remember when they've had amnesia?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

If you are queuing in the 10 items or less queue at the supermarket, and you had more than 10 items, could you change your name to Les and still get served?

If you went for lessons in bicycle riding, but could only afford half the lessons, would you be able to ride a unicycle?

Are the three dimensions of a credit card length, width and debt?

If you wore two pairs of 3-D glasses at the same time would you be able to see in 6-D?

If the world was a logical place would men also ride a horse  side-saddle?

Is it true that necrophilliacs wouldn't be caught dead with the living?

We have enough youth - what about a fountain of intelligence?

If bankers are so good with figures, why do they have eight counters but only four assistants serving?

If you teach a child to be polite and courteous, when he grows up will he ever be able to get his car onto the freeway?

Is the best cure for insomnia a lot of sleep?

Does a man who has his feet on the ground find it difficult to get his trousers on?

Why does a cowboy wear two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, surely the other side does too?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

If our knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?

What would happen if you bought a pack of batteries and found out that batteries were not included?

There is a CD called "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane" - If you bought this, and enjoyed it, would you have to take it back for a refund?

Is there such a thing as a little lie?

If the meek shall inherit the earth, is that because they are too weak to refuse it?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If you shouted at your plants instead of talking to them would they stop growing becaus they felt troubled and insecure?

How can you be anything but yourself?

Is there another word for synonym?

Just before somebody gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, do they write anything on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he think you are just sitting there staring at carpeting?

Where do park keepers go to get away from it all?

Is a conclusion simply a time when you got tired of thinking?

Would you grow a pigeon if you planted bird seed?

Why do they report power cuts on television?

Do the obituaries in the newspaper prove that people die in alphabetical order?

Is the speed of time one second per second?

Is time natures way of keeping everything from happening at once?

Does a psychic amnesiac know in advance what he is going to forget?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is a budget simply a method of going broke methodically?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

If a man who had dyslexia was also cross-eyed, could he read properly?

Is a harp a piano with no clothes on?

If diamonds are a girls best friend, and a dog is a mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Could you ever see something that looks like an optical illusion?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

If Winnie the Pooh tried to take over the government would it be called a Pooh d'état?

If you wanted to find out how many lives your cat had left, would you be able to repeatedl hit it with a mallet, and then simply subtract the number of blows used to bring about it's demise from nine?

If Dolphins are so smart, why do they keep getting caught in tuna nets?

If you crossed a philosopher with a member of the mafia, would he make you an offer  you couldn't understand?

To save money, should hospitals hire hypnotists to make patients think they've had their operations?

With the technology available today, how come mankind has still not been able to create a covincing toupeé?

Would you ever need an ejector seat in a helicopter?

Is health is just the longest way to prolong death?

Does a horse travel at one horsepower?

When planets travel around in circles they call it orbiting. When people do the same  thing, why do they call them crazy?

Most books say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

Is a vibration a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go?

Is lime a green-tasting rock? 

Why did so many dead animals in the past change into fossils while others prefered to change into oil?

Are clouds just high flying fogs? 

Is Rain is saved up in cloud banks? 

Why do they call it a busy signal?

If it takes a big man to cry, would it take a much bigger man to laugh at him? (Jack Handey)

If you thought you were clever for starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together would it be classed as cheating if one of those sticks was a match?

They say a good comedian has to have good timing, so would it be considered bad timing if a he rang you up at 3 a.m to tell you a brilliant new joke?

Does the cockney alphabet only need 25 letters? 

When you have two items to carry, why is the largest one always the lightest? 

Who cares how long a piece of string is?

Would living in a nudist colony take all the fun out of Halloween?

Do illiterate people still get the full effect of alphabetti-spaghetti?

If you were in a time machine and you shoved your elbow out of the window, would it turn into a fossil? 

How can you have a frameless frame?

If God had meant football to be played in the air, wouldn't he have put grass in the sky? 

Why are wrong numbers never engaged?

If a turtle lost it's shell, would he be homeless or naked?

If a man who cannot count finds a four leaf clover, is he still lucky?

If trees could scream would we all still be so cavalier about cutting them down?

Where does all the white go when the snow melts?

If laughter is the best medicine, why do so many people die?

Why shouldn't we speak ill of the dead? They are the only people who can't sue us.

If a man stood in a forest, and he spoke with no woman around to hear him, would he still  be wrong?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that Doctors call what they do a 'practice'?

What would happen if you forgot to think, and then forgot to start again?

The bible tells us to love our neigbors, and to love our enemies. Are these the same people?

Why do they call it 'Unsweetened Tea'? Have they put sugar into it, and then taken it ou again?

Why do people who know the least always shout the loudest?

Why is it, that when you transport something by car it's called 'shipment', but when you transport it by ship it is called 'cargo'?

If you had everything, where would you put it?

Why don't they make the entire plane out of the same material they make the black box out of?

Why doesn't your stomach digest itself?

How many contests would you have to enter before you became ineligible to enter because you've entered too many contests? 

When your wife is giving birth, and the midwife didn't turn up on time, would you call that a midwife crisis?

Why should you fight fire with fire? Surely you should use water?

Why is it, whenever you get more help at work, you get less done? 

Do Satanists have to make lots of sacrifices for their religious beliefs?

Who had the foresight to call them Disc jockeys? Surely back in the early days of radio they only had records?

If everybody else in the world had a flu vaccination, would you need one?

If you drive past a road sign that has been knocked over, do you still have to do what it says?

If it wasn't for the last minute, would anything ever get done?

Why don't batteries come in packs of one?

Why do you always find yourself queuing behind the worlds largest family when you go into McDonalds?

If you bought a voodoo globe, and spun it around really quickly, would everybody in the world get really dizzy?

Why does the work that you have to do always expand to fill up the time that the pubs are open?

What did they call barn owls before they had barns?

When something has more functions, does that mean there is a much higher chance of it breaking down?

How can life begin at forty? Surely it begins when you are born?

Was the Marie Celeste crewed by Lemmings?

How many teeth does it take to make a tube of toothpaste?
Is there such a thing as a trick answer?

Why would you want to take the high road or the low road when there's so many nice  level roads to take?

If winning isn't important, why do we take part?

If God is everywhere, why do people look up when addressing him?

If somebody held a fancy dress party on an airplane, could it be called a flight of fancy?

When somebody is ill, Why do people say 'He went to bed with his head. 'Where else was his head meant to go?

If there is a meaning to life, why do we all have to die?

When a paraplegic gets drunk, would he still be called legless?

When someone is carrying something, why do they say 'You'll have somebody's eye out with that!' Even when its a blunt object?

Why do people say 'it's too cold to snow?' It's minus 50 in the Artic, and there's plenty of snow there.

What does God believe in?

If you smoked a joint, and drank a cup of coffee, would they cancel each other out?

If the police arrested a mime, would they have to tell him he had the right to silence?

Do people with psychic powers get nostalgic about next week?

If somebody with multiple personalities tried to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Everything in space is weightless, but would a really fat astronaut weigh just a little bit?

When people say that they've lost their train of thought, where does it go?

When you drink coffee out of a tea cup, can you still call it a tea cup?

If the world is spinning so quickly, why don't we all get dizzy?

When people who eat natural foods die of food poisoning, do they die of natural causes?

Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces?

According to the X-files you should trust no-one, so why should you trust Mulder and Scully?

Do shampoos without 'Pro-vitamins' use ammeter vitamins?

Why do you never want the one you can afford?

Do joggers with pump-up trainers have to carry spares?

What is so good about Columbus discovering America? It's so big, how could he miss it?

Why do they call it a free gift? aren't all gifts free?

Why do you never see signs that say 'Feel free to smoke'?

If smoking is bad for you, how come every packet has a silver lining?

Can athiests get insurance for acts of God?

Why don't people who believe in re-incarnation leave all their money to themselves?

Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it starts ringing?

Why do they call them 'a-partments' when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called a 'building' when it is already built? 

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why do you never get any good news from a letter with a window in it?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a clown had a child, and it started messing around, would he be able to tell the child too stop clowning around?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your criminal record?

If there is a time and place for everything, why are there so many criminals?

Isn't the word 'Deadline' a little too harsh?

Why do people like table dancing? Who wants to see a table dance?

Why are wise men, and wise guys the exact opposite?

They say you can't take it with you when you go, but what if it really wants to go with you?

If you had a Kryptonite cross, could you defeat Dracula and Superman at the same time?

What would happen if you had two half baked ideas at the same time?

Do they teach the law of Gravity at Law school?

What are we going to party like when it's 1999? 2099?

Why do they put the word 'off' on light switches?

Does a man who works in a bean factory always have his finger on the pulse?

Why do people take life so seriously when it isn't permanent?

If ignorance is bliss, why arn't more people happy?

When they say a man drowned in a pool of his own sick, must he have been really sick to fill up that pool?

Does a boxer make money hand over fist?

Why are people that own personal organizers the only people that have no life to

Is the best way to keep death off of the roads to drive on the pavements?

If Aliens existed, and they had technology far in advance of our own, why would they be
able to travel millions of light years across the universe unharmed, and then crash? 

Why does your nose only itch when your hands are full?

Why do tourists got to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they
can see things on the ground in close-up?

Do they have seeing eye huskies for eskimos?

Is reality just an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol?

Could a woman with varicose veins goto a fancy dress party as a road map?

If black boxes are indestructable, why don't the make the entire aircraft out of the same
material that they're made of?

How many babies does it take to make a tub of baby oil?

Do people who brush their teeth with baking soda cook with toothpaste?

If you held a fist long enough, would your nails eventually grow through the back of your hand?

Why is phonetic not spealt the way it sounds?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

And why is "big" such a small word?

If madness takes it's toll, do you need exact change?

Wouldn't it be easier to get a soloution, then find a problem?

If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown as well?

Why is there only one monopolies commision?

If you turn your computer monitor off, how do you know that your sceensaver is still working?

Why is it called a siamese cat if there is only one of them?

If animals are not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat?

If 7-11 is open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, why do they heve locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get it to stick? 

Why do people take babies on holiday? They've never worked a day in 
theirr lives - they don't need a holiday.

Why do you always get a shock when you see somebody you know on
the television?

Why do we call ourselves the human race? Is somebody going to win?

Now--was all that perfectly clear?

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