Hillbilly Holler News

"Points to Ponder is Our Motto"
or truth is usually funnier than fiction


Jed and the critters just began this page,so we're shore lookin' for some of you to pass along any tidbits you'd like to share.Otherwise,we're gonna git awful ornery.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
                                                                                  NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
                                                                   Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

              Sunday School Lesson

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there !"

                                              Positive Mental Attitude

We can all learn a lesson from this great old girl !

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to
a nursing home today.
Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.
As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind.
I already decided to love it "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work,or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ...just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account .you withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS
EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of TEXAS.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
the commands. The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening
screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson
superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

Reset.............try'er agin
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of
the TEXAS EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement

I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates

My best friend Jewell passed this along to me and I thought you would it enjoy it ,too.

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Letter from the Editor
We git some of that thar mail that tells us the site ought to speed up.They want us to take off the pictures and take off the sound.They tell us we jest don't do it the way they think.After careful thought into this matter,we have reached this decision:
Get a life!
And now they send us emails sayin' "why don't you just enjoy your site"? HUH?


Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious
of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
"You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now. Love, Mom"

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now,
of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

The difference between divorce and a legal separation is that a legal
separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

I know a  man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was
healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Long Way From Home

A guy sitting at a bar figures he's had enough to drink so he decides that
it is time for him to go home.
He drunkenly tries to stand up but falls down.
He tries again, and again he falls down, so he figures he'll just crawl
outside and try to stand up then.
When he gets outside, he pulls himself up at a parking meter, but falls down
Since he only lives a couple of blocks away, he decides to just crawl home.
When he gets to his front door he tries to get up again, but again he falls
Not wanting to wake up his wife, he crawls into his house, up the stairs to
his bedroom and into bed and falls asleep.
The next morning, his wife angrily wakes him up saying, "You were drinking
last night!"
"No I wasn't" replies the man in mock indignation.
"Don't lie to me," the wife says, "the bar just called and said you left
your wheelchair there last night!"

Role Reversal

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles
in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War.
She noted then that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed
that the men now walked several yards behind
their wives.

The reporter approached one of the women and
said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the
free world just what enabled women here to
achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
    through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog. 

Sent to me by Jewell.Thanks sweetie.

The more I watch the news,the more I scratch my head.Nobody is responsible for what they do anymore.Everytime I hear the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child",I wonder what happened to the days when  a couple of parents with a switch could handle that job ?It does appear "the village" is too busy hunting for somebody or something to blame when things don't go their way.

Church Bulletin Mistakes

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.


1.    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.    A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.    On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.   Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.   Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.   Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14.   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.   He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.   The early bird may get the worm, but the second  mouse gets the cheese.
19.   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.   I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.   Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.   My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.   Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.   The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.   Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Bizarre Laws Texas

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person  as your husband or wife 3 times.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give  their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing,  and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because  it contains a formula for making beer at home.

"Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to
McDonalds makes you a hamburger."

Do you remember when...?

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A cd was a bank account
And if you had a 3* inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to you commode!

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[author unknown]

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.  Then when you
do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Genuine Excerpts from Letters to Landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap.  My wife got her toe
stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

Newsgroups: alt.humor--Pothead

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

The ingredients... water, chalk, titanium dioxide, glycerine glycol,seaweed, paraffin oil, detergent, peppermint oil, saccharin and formaldehyde.... and let's not forget the baking soda and peroxide.........the product:  toothpaste.  Gives you somethin' to think about while you brush your chompers don't it?Have a nice day,he-he.

I wuz a watchin' television while nursing the flu,when an allergy commercial caught my eye.Since I can't take any medication that makes me drowsy before leaving for work,I thought this non-drowsy stuff might jest help.Until they gave the side affects.This Non-drowsy had a side affect of --you got it--drowsiness.Think mebbe them advertisers think we don't listen or somethin?(And is it affect or effect?I never can keep that straight.)

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of  candy can make a
woman  gain five pounds.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?


1.  Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2.  Bandage left thumb.

3.  Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4.  Bandage left foot.

5.  Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6.  Light Match

7.  Light Match

8.  Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9.  Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base
of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more
wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
from :Robert

 Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Lousiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator over on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Dang, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"

There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had
three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15 room mansion thinking this would surely be
the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included
thinking her would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a
trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the
entire Bible.  You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the
parrot could quote it word for word.  What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house
is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me.  I only live
in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care
of.  I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful,
it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I
really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to
thank you for that most thoughtful gift.  That chicken was

How's That Again?

I love surfin' the 'Net.You always find people who like to impose their views on ya, but in a sneaky way.

I came across this site that had made a sign stating:

"Fifty per cent of smokers admit to littering."

Well,I thought about this a minute and dee-cided this woman touting Christian values wasn't bein' quite truthful.If one half of smokers litter,that reduces their numbers by 50 per cent  right there.According to the powers that be,the smokers in this country are the minority so that must mean the majority --the non-smokers--must be doin' the litterin'.Get out your calculator and think about.

Let't all be real keerful 'bout stoning people under the guise of the Bible.I thought treatin' people as your brother was the principle of The Good Book--not finding a habit you disapprove of and then making up statistics to reinforce your personal prejudice.But,then,I'm just a country person who doesn't have a callin' to find the mote in my brother's eye.I'll leave that to those who feel that is their purpose in life.Sure hope Saint Peter understands that at the Pearly Gates.

Is it me losing my mind or is there sumthin' wrong with this?I was just on a site that had a section that said "This space intentionally left blank".Try as I may,I couldn't understand how the space was blank if I was reading"This space intentionally left blank".


Guess this is the end of the first ad-diton of Hillbilly Holler News.Ya'll best git to scribblin'  cause thar ain't nothin' eeny meaner than a mad hillbilly woman.Wahl----mebbe one other thang.

Intermission break.

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