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    Southern Terms

We outgrew our other home and so here we are.Now,we can really "cut loose" with good southern sayin's.
  We must be slippin'--so far we only made one southerner really mad.Said they derned sure didn't talk this a-way.We replied,"Shore nuff?"           
So dull he couldn't cut hot butter with a knife. Crazier than a run over dog. 
Tougher than a one-eared alley cat. One sandwich shy of a picnic. 
Ran like a scalded dog. Rough as a cob. 
Scarce as hen's teeth.  Purty as a speckled pup.
Crookeder 'than a dog's hind leg 
  (from Redford and Debbie)
Don't git above your raisin'.
Plumb tuckered out. Silly as a goose. 
As loose as a goose. What do you mean "we"?You got a mouse in your pocket? 
Rode hard and put up wet. Higher than a Georgia pine. (drunk) 
All over him like a cheap suit. "Can't never could do nothin. 
If wishes were horses,then beggars would ride.  Cussed like a sailor. 
Howled like a banshee.  Strutted like a rooster.
Brayed like a mule  Highwater britches.
Colder than a welldigger's behind.  Hitch in his get along.
A sandwich shy of a picnic. Ugly as a mud fence.
As mean as a grizz. (grizzlybear)  Blind drunk.
Faster than greased lightnin'. As nosy as a pet 'coon.
If the Good Lord's willing and the creek don't rise.`  Don't let your mouth overload your butt
Fine as frog hair. Workin' like a beaver.
Brown as a biscuit.  Tight as a bootjack.
Poor as a whippoorwill.  Happy as a hog wallowing in mud.
Empty as last year's birds's nest.  Hot as a fox in a forest fire.
Red as a pickled beet. Old as Methuselah.(in case you forget your Bible larnin',he lived to be 900) 
Mad as a hornet.  Slow as molasses.
Happy as a 'coon on a log.  Rare as hen's teeth.
Snorin' like sawin' logs.  Like a bird let out of its cage.
Fightin' like two cats with their tails tied. Like an airplane needs mudflaps.
Has eyes like a hootowl. Big enough to go bear huntin' with a switch
So tight he could skin a gnat and use 
its skin for tallow.
So cold you have to  jump-start your beagles. 
Like swattin' a fly with a cannon. So buck-toothed he could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
I caught a fish so big,the picture 
weighed two pounds. 
He was so windy,he could blow up an onion sack.(talks a lot)
His porch light is on,but nobody's 
Poor as Job's turkey.
Smells like a wet chicken.  Like a cat lickin' a grindstone.
Like drivin' nails in your own coffin.  Like the old lady wettin' in the ocean--every little bit counts.
He's a silver tongued devil.  A shadow of his old self.
Put your mouth in motion before your brain is in gear. A dog that will bring a bone will take a bone.
Get your ducks all in a row. Either lead,follow or get out of the way.
Little pitchers have big ears. The proof is in the pudding.
Old fishermen never die,they just smell that way. You stole my thunder.(took credit for)
Walkin' ain't crowded. How do you like them apples?
Speakin' of the devil (someone appears that you were talking about) A wink is the same as a nod to a blind horse.
One thing about bein' bald-it's neat. Someone else has been shuckin' my corn.
The coffee was so hot,it must have been boiled twice. Do it by hook or crook.
A watched pot never boils. He looked like ugly warmed over.
So poor you get married for the rice.  So slow it takes an hour to boil Minute rice.
He ain't even got walkin' around sense.  He had his tail tucked between his legs.
He's head hog at the trough. Does a bear too-too in the woods?(I wouldn't know--never followed a bear mahsef)
When pigs fly. He didn't have nuthin' under 
his hat but hair. 
He was as shy of brains as 
a terrapin is of feathers.
He's as crazy as popcorn on 
a hot stove.
He can't tell skunks from 
house cats. 
He was so mean, he'd fight 
a rattler and give him the 
first bite.
He's so crooked, he could 
swaller nails an' spit out 
One can short of a six-pack.
One french fry short of a Happy Meal. The elevator is stuck between floors.
One wave short of a shipwreck Not the brightest light on the porch.
There is an old expression when you like something real well : "gooder'n salad; better'n taters (from Diane
of Pennsylvania) 4/1/99
 This'll jar your preserves.(to rattle somebody)
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
Cute as a sack full of puppies. Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said'To be continued'.

Contributions by good folks

Mon, 29 Jan 2001

I have been checking out your site and thought you would like some more sayings. This is just a bunch of hillbilly sayin's we were able to gather,
so here goes...

oughter do - should do
fer - for
worsh - wash
wrench - rinse
er - or
 purt nigh -near

higher'n a kite- drunk

when it ain't rain'n the roof don't leak

harder 'n uh shell bark hickory- very hard

uglier 'n homemade sin

wilder 'n a buck -really wild

meaner 'n uh stripped snake

flatter 'n a flitter -flat

loaded to the gills- drunk

like a fish out of water-agitated or out of place

greener than goose-poop

cussin a blue streak

slower than the seven year itch

too lazy to shake the dead lice off his back

Just thought you might "get a kick" out of these.
By the way, I am Jewell Burke's grandson, Sammy Brooks. I really enjoyed your website.

Sun, 6 Aug 2000
From: scott stewart

I just surfed into your web site on hillbilly talk,and I really enjoyed it.  Here is a good hillbilly phrase you might want to add to it: "Gitcha sum
smarts!"  Thanks for the great site...

Date: Mon, 3 Jul 2000
From: Alice

I thought of a couple of the ways the southern people used to talk.

One is "Yore as purtee(pretty) as a speckled puppy under a red wagon".

Instead of saying idea, it was idear. I am only guessing at the spelling of
this word "watta" for water. Instead of hour it would be "houver". Flour
would be "flouver"

My mom had a funny saying; I used to have styes all the time on my eyes.
She used to say "go to the cross roads and say stye stye go away, go to the next person that passes by."

Another way instead of reached down and picked it up,it was retched down. When we were warm she would say "snug as a bug in a rug."

Hugs! Alice


I love your pages.  I noticed you not havin some of the sayins Iheard growing up, so Iwould like to send just a few to you and see what you think.  My family and I was raised in the NE GA, SC blue ridge mountains.Well, thats it for now.....just wanted ta share with ya.

Harbao= hair bow
Welbar= wheel barrow
Scoot or poot, but don't poot = meanin move over.
Finer than a redheaded stepchild = meanin she's purty
Taste so good you'll slap your momma = meaning its some fine tastin food.
I ate so much I feel like a ol porch dog = meaning I'm so full Idun got lazy.
He's as old as dirt = meaning he's very old.
He's a waste of good skin = meaning he's no good.
He's so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him = dang dats ugly

When ya got a itch ya needed scratched instead of saying scratch it.....we always said..I got a itch I need ya ta itch.

old joke my popa use to tell me:
popa: know how to catch the best fish?
me: no, how?
popa: you sprinkle some peas on top da water.
me: peas??
popa: yep.  when day (meaning they) come up to take a pee ya bop dem ( meaning them) on tha head with a club

Thank you Cindy for adding to my collection.It really is appreciated.

Sent by Aldene,shared by Doris.Thank you ladies.

 1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
 2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
 3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
 4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed."
 5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
 6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
 7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
 8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
 9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
 10. "This is gooder'n grits."
 11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
 12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
       enjoy it."

Hi there!  Being from Texas, I can relate more than I'd care to admit
with your website!  I found it  hilarious!  However, I've got one I
didn't see addressed. After eating a meal, I'll often say "I'm fuller
than a tick on a hot-blooded hound dog".  Thought you might consider

Sandy Moreno
Houston, TX


Name: Diane
From: Pennsylvania

There is an old expression when you like something real well (like this
 site): "gooder'n salad; better'n taters!" And, because I have Irish genes, I will share my favorite pub toast with you: "May those that love us, love us And those that don't love us... May God turn their hearts; And if He doesn't turn their hearts, May He turn their ankles, So we'll know them by their limping!" Here's to ya!

I love it,Diane.Thanks!

Visitor: Connie Sorensen
Comments: I LOVE it! I even sent the pages to family and friends. For a little phrase that you hear around here in Lehighton, PA a lot "You's gots
somma dat stuff with the doohickies?" and "Wanna go with?" :) Thanks Connie!
Debbie and Reford wrote:Trish, 
   here are a few more of those 'hick' words and sayings....
"hered"-pronounced here+d. Young--uns--kids
idjuts--younguns litluns--little ones as in younguns
Spacial--special ohnt no--I don't know
crick--creek muddy water--coffee
brachfast--breakfast restrunt--restaurant
over yonder-not here air ya go--There you go; good deal!
err--ear nuttin'--nothing
nut huh--No way! Werr a going--we are going
Ain't got no--Don't have any gimmie--give me
'at--that I'm a gonna--I am going to
lookie--Look at this looka here--Now, see here.
naa--no Petesa-pizza
punkin--pumpkin feesh--fish
biggeren--bigger than medsin--medicine
drank--a drink herikin--hurricane
eetch--itch gitcha--get you
Does a chicken have lips? maters & taters--tomatoes and potatoes
winders--windows hawg--hog or motorcycyle
flares--flowers flare--flour
buck nekit--completely nude. alpples--apples
whatsit-what is it. share--shower
urine--not mine hockey--Requires a long trip to the outhouse
ell--Well, as in "Ell, I'll be." Unless, preceding the word 'yes' Then it 
means hell, as in "ell yes".
goodin'-- good on
Him--That man; hem, as in a garments edge; hymn, church song. Airs-- Ours and Hours
An old saying: I'd have to git better to die. Weather: Dawg days, Indin summer, Red bud weather. "The leaves 
on the trees are turned over, so it's a gonna rain".
Here's a piece on what I make of road signs: 
    And what do ya make of roadsigns? I can't ever get the one that says 'yield' understood. When I see 'yield' I think of a recipe book. When I bake cookies it says the recipe will 'yield' 2 or 3 dozen. Does that mean if pass the 'yield' sign on the highway my car will give me 2 or 3 dozen

   And that other sign that says "slow children playing". Does that mean that the children there playing are 'slow' as in a little touched, or they are two slow to dodge the cars and need to speed up? 

    My husband says it is a good thing that I don't drive. 

Above entries submitted By Debbie Clarkston, a former Kaintuckian. 

     Thanks Debbie

When Fishermen Meet: 
"Hiyamac"- Hi ya Mac
"Lobuddy"-Hello buddy 
"Binearlong?"-Been here long 
"Coplours"-Couple of hours 
"Cetchanenny?"-Catching any
"Goddafew"-Got a few 
"Kindarthay?"-What kind were they
"Bassencarp"-bass and carp 
"Ennysizetoom"-Any size to them 
"Couplapowns"-Couple of pounds 
"Hittinhard?"-Hitting hard 
"Sordalike"-Sort of like
"Wahchoozin?"-What are you using 
"Gobbawurms"-A gob of worms
"fishanonaboddum? -Fishing on the bottom 
"Rydononaboddum" --Right on the bottom 
"Whatchadrinkin?"-What are you drinking 
"Jugagimbeam"-A jug of Jim Beam 
"Igoddago"-I've got to go 
"Tubad"-Too bad 
"Seeyaroun"-See you around
"Yeahtakideezy"-Yeah, you take it easy. 
"Guluk"-Good luck 
Biscuits & gravy--Doesn't get any better than this.
Finer an frog hair--very fine.
Fuller n' a tick-- Can't hold any more
The above posts are submitted by Reford Dingess, 
Jr., a former West Virginia Mountainman.Thanks!!! 

Hey there,   love your page.   Made me feel right at home the first time I
logged on......

one mistake........in the 'When Fishermen Meet'

Wahchoozin --- What are you using?

  Gobbawurms --- should be Catabaw worms   (these are
fuzzy caterpillars that live in Catabaw trees and are used for fishing,
especially when fishing for Carp, Bass and Crappie - in Alabama that is
pronounced 'croppie' but in Georgia it is pronounced 'crappy').  Just
thought you'd like to know.

Keep up the great page, it is priceless!!
Thanks,  Vee

Thank you ,Vee.We love it when visitors help us out.06/20/99 

Here's  more goodens from Debbie and Reford 
("You'uns is handy as pockets on a teeshirt"-all my thanks,Trish)
Air--Not just the stuff we breathe, but also stands for 'our' and 'hour' 

cornin' ware-corn husks 

leader--what ma does to the mare when she guides it by the reins. 

oner tother--one or the other. 

skeerdy cat--someone who is afraid 

sonnet-(Not an English term!!) As in - 'Son, turn the television on to cannel 3. 
Son says "Sonnet". (It's on it) 


trailer--What the mare does when ma is doing the above. 

Warsh--what you do to the laundry 

Submitted by: 

               FROM SUNNY ARIZONA 


A Redneck Gets Shot

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

 "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go

 "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
 onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

               Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to  match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

               Total: $1337

Total Guide to Redneck Housekeeping
1. 4 concrete blocks and a door make a good coffee table.

2. Milk crates make good bookcases.

3. Dishwashing soap can double for laundry detergent/shampoo.

4. Bubblegum makes good ceramic tile glue.

5. Duct tape and garbage bags make an effective window replacement.

6. Don't drive nails in ceramic tile, just let the towel drop. It will absorb excess water if you are missing a shower curtain.

7. A finger and some baking powder make an effective replacement for

8. Air freshener can double as deodorant.

9. Vaseline can substitute household oil lubricants for those squeaky doors.

10. When your only towel is too dirty, curtains will do. (just make sure you have shut the blinds.)

11. Bed sheets will work as curtains.

12. You can survive on Rice-a-roni and Macaroni & Cheese for under $40.00 a month.

13. Not only are candles romantic, they can temporarily replace your light source for those unforeseen power outages (like when you blew the utility money on beer.)

14. Duct tape is effective for removing lint from your suit.

15. Staples can supplant buttons on your shirt.

16. You never have to wash paper plates or plastic cutlery.

17. Empty beer cans make good ashtrays. (Full ones work good too, if you hate the person who's about to drink from it.)

18. In states where they offer a deposit, empty beer bottles means more beer money.

19. 'Cheeto's' is not only one of the 4 main food groups, it also meets many of the Recommended Daily Allowances for many vitamins and minerals.

20. Nintendo is a viable alternative to employment.

21. Spit and a shirt sleeve equates to a disinfectant and a band-aid.

22. Automotive Body Filler (Bondo) makes good wall plaster for those minor home repairs which are required after one of *those* parties.

23. Lamps do not require lamp shades.

24. Sleeping bags do not have to be "made" every morning.

25. That rear view mirror that fell out of your car last month can replace the one your friends broke in the bathroom last night. (A necessity for shaving with that Epilady *tm shaver.)

26. Provided you handle them right, the police can show up 3 times at your party before someone is arrested.

27. Domino's won't deliver if there's a freshly butchered carcass of a cow on your lawn.

28. Never answering the phone means never having to say you're sorry.

29. Never answering the door means never meeting anyone.

30. Scotch is a good disinfectant for those nasty cuts from flying bottles.

31. Empty beer bottles make good sedatives for those *surly* partygoers.

32. Shop vacs and a good water heater can imitate a carpet steam cleaner.

33. Soap film and hair (in sufficient quantity,) can act as drain plug to replace the one your friend swallowed on a dare.

34. By the time your carpet needs cleaning, it's time to throw it out. (Be sure to harvest the mushrooms first.)

35. Couches don't have to have all the cushions to be functional.

36. Bic lighters can roast a marshmallow. They get mighty hot, though.

37. Washcloths make good coasters. (For the "good" furniture.)

38. Towels make good mops. (No need to scrub, just sort of push it around on the floor with your foot.)

39. Gasoline and matches are not party favors.

40. Shirt sleeves can double as oven mitts. (Although, you should avoid using an oven at all cost.)

41. Spray paint can cover up those unsightly cigarette burns on your countertops.

42. When you mistake a head of lettuce for a lime, it's time to clean out (or throw away) the refrigerator.

43. Catsup, Mustard, and Salsa are the only condiments you'll need.

44. Wallpaper is a waste. Sheets, rugs, and posters are better investments, and easier to hang.

45. Christmas Tree Lights arranged in cool designs equate wall art.

46. Strobe lights can be used in the bathroom.

47. Don't let any of your party guests drink the contents of your lava lamp.

48. Don't try to use a household vacuum cleaner to clean up that oil spill in your garage. If you don't have a shop vac, just forget about it.

49. An iron is like a car with the keys in the ignition. It shouldn't be left
unattended for any length of time.

50. Clorox should not be used to whiten teeth. If looks are that important, go see a dentist.

51. It is perfectly reasonable to spend more on your home entertainment system than on all the rest of your apartment's furnishings combined. (Including your car.)

52. If your pillows don't have pillowcases, you don't need to wash them.

53. You can run seven appliances off the same outlet, provided you have enough extension cords.

54. 30 Gallon plastic trash cans make good laundry hampers.

55. When the time come and you are forced by friends to do your laundry, make sure to lump the clean pile and the dirty pile together, (odds are there are enough cookie, pizza, and pretzel crumbs in both to make washing necessary) and then sort by smell.

56. The three types of laundry are: "Smells clean enough to wear one more time,""Eek, this one needs a bath!" and "Ohmygawd, throw it AWAY!"

57. On Saturday
mornings, it's acceptable to clip your toenails into last Monday's cheerios. (discard clippings, then throw away the bowl, too.)

58. When your celery starts to look like a month old seaweed, quickly search for signs of intelligent life. If you notice a response, notify your nearest biological lab. If no intelligence is evident, you can throw it away.

59. It's perfectly okay to buy vegetables and keep them hostage until they are dead. (Of course, you shouldn't eat them.)

60. Trash removal is a lot easier/cheaper if you just throw it in your neighbor's yard.

61. McDonald's Special Sauce Secret Ingredients: Thousand Island salad dressing. Impress your friends with your gustatory expertise. Especially effective with Bachelor's Breakfast; Bologna and cheese on green bread.

62. Mouldy orange juice will either get you drunk, or kill you. (It would make a good experiment for a biology lab, don't you think? Or perhaps just reserve it for those rats who keep waking you up at night.)

63. Goldfish do not like beer, nor cigarettes.

64. If you find bits of food on the floor, it's perfectly acceptable to eat it if nobody sees you. (But you should at least be able to identify what type of food it is, first.)

65. If you're running short on clean(ish) clothes, underwear and socks are optional.

66. Do not try to make french toast, an omelet, or grilled cheese in a toaster.

67. The oven can double as a clothes dryer in a pinch. (Also, the microwave can work for those last minute situations, provided there are no metal buttons or zippers.)

68. If any religious zealots show up on your doorstep, answer the door in your underwear, carry a bottle of Jack Daniels and offer them a beer and a hooker.

69. Just because it says "Milk" on the label, Phillips Milk of Magnesia is no
substitute for real milk on your cornflakes.

70. That white chunky stuff floating at the top of your milk container is not cottage cheese. Don't try to use it on your microwave lasagna.

71. Do not use your waffle iron to press your clothes or iron patches on.

72. In the unlikely event that those "M-80's" shatter your toilet, it can be stuck back together with automotive windshield silicone sealant.

73. Beer is a good fire extinguisher. Pure Grain Alcohol isn't.

74. Certain types of pizza are still edible after 5 days, even if stored at room temperature.

75. Food dropped on the floor can still be eaten, provided you pick all the hair and lint off it first. (Blowing on it helps scare the germs away.)

76. Peanut butter kills the mold on bread. If your loaf went bad, stuff yourself.

77. M&M's add color to faded carpet. Just grind them in with the heel of your foot. (Corn chips can provide a good balance to them.)

78. Cigarette butts and broken beer bottles are desirable lawn ornaments.

79. Contrary to what you see in the movies, telephones won't work from the bottom of fish tanks.

80. Street signs are good wall hangings.

81. Fly strips turn ordinary paper into post-it notes on the refrigerator.

82. Do not use thumbtacks or nails to stick things to your fridge.

83. All broken chairs must have at least two legs to maintain balance. (If you have a chair with only two legs, you have to keep it propped against the wall for it to

84. Roach Motels can be tax write off. (Home improvements/real estate

85. You cannot get drunk from red wine vinegar.

86. Keep a bucket handy for those party guests who can't handle their alcohol, if you have any furnishings you care about.

87. Five minutes for a clean house: Use a garden hose. (you'll need a good spray nozzle for this.)

88. The bathtub is a good place to clean dirty engine parts.

89. If, for any reason, the dog is on fire, put it out. (Fire can spread quickly if you let the dog wander around the house.)

90. Pouring liquid down the back of a television is a bad idea. Express this to any guests you have.

91. If you have a bf/gf you really want to impress, offer them a seat. Scrape the crust off first

 92. Duct tape can repair almost any damage done to a beanbag chair, save complete immolation, or an accident involving a chainsaw.

93. Chainsaws are not considered "common household implements."

94. Corn starch will not put a crease in your shirts.

95. When you find that bone-dry, 2 month old burrito in the bottom of the couch (when searching for beer money,) you can soak it for 20 minutes to restore freshness. (If it's older than that, it will *dissolve*.)

96. If you've ran out of dog food, don't fill his bowl with cheap salsa. (You will need a garden hose to clean the house if you do.)

97. If you haven't placed new hinges on your front door after that party incident with the police, you can block unauthorized entry with a wedged two-by four under the doorknob.

98. For security, you can park your motorcycle in the house. Just don't fall asleep when it is running.

99. Do not try to remove facial hair with an epilady. (Rather, try one out at the mall on some arm hair to see what it's like. Bring extra cash to pay for the display case you'll throw it through)

100. If pressed for time, you can shave, brush your teeth and wash your hair while showering. (Don't try to blow dry your hair, though.)

101. Don't hide your girly mags under the seat cushion of the sofa. This is the first place your gf will look.

102. If your medicine cabinet contains more than 1 box of unused floss, one bottle of aspirin and cough syrup which expired in 1983, empty it immediately.

103. There's no law saying that the socks you're wearing have to match. They may match two socks in your dresser, but even this is merely a fashion suggestion.

104. You must immediately buy every kind of kitchen cleaner known to man. Place them in the cabinet under the sink. Never touch them again.

105. Keep your CD collection spotless. An hourly cleaning schedule is not
unreasonable. Ignore the rest of the house.

106. If, for some reason, your walls have water stains, hang empty picture frames over them. For authenticity, scribble fictitious signature below. (Brag about how well they go with the room.)

107. Replace all the light bulbs in your apartment with multi-colored party bulbs.(These work particularly well with christmas tree lights.)

108. Find and steal: "This Property is Condemned by the State of ____, do not Enter" sign. Nail to your front door. ( "Police Line--- do not Cross" tapes are good too.)

109. Do not freeze your lettuce to preserve freshness.

Handbook of Medical Terms for Southerners
Thanks, Cathie
ANTIBODY -against everyone  ARTERY --the study of fine paintings 
BACTERIA -back door to a cafeteria  BANDAGES -The Rolling Stones
BARIUM -what you do when CPR fails  BENIGN -what you be after you be eight 
BOTULISM -tendency to make mistakes  BOWEL -letters like A, E, I, O, or U 
CAESAREAN SECTION -a district in Rome  CARDIOLOGY -advanced study of poker playing 
CAT SCAN -searching for ones lost kitty  CAUTERIZE-made eye contact with her 
COLIC -a sheep dog  COMA -a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL -friendly  CORTIZONE -the local courthouse 
D & C -where Washington is  DILATE -to live longer 
ENEMA -not a friend ENTERITIS -a penchant for burglary 
ER -the things on your head that you hear with FESTER -quicker 
FIBRILLATE -to tell lies  G.I. SERIES -baseball games between teams of soldiers 
GENES -blue denim slacks  GENITAL -non-Jewish 
GRIPPE -what you do to a suitcase  HANGNAIL -a coathook 
HEMORRHOID -a male from outer space  HERPES -what women do in the Ladies Room 
HORMONES -what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid  ICU -peek-a-boo 
IMPOTENT -distinguished, well known INPATIENT -tired of waiting 
LABOR PAIN -hurt at work  MEDICAL STAFF -a doctor's cane 
MINOR OPERATION -somebody else's  MORBID -a higher offer
NITRATE -lower than day rate  NODE -was aware of
ORGAN TRANSPLANT -what you do to your piano when you move  ORGANIC -church musician 
OUTPATIENT -a person who has fainted  PARALYZE -two far-fetched stories 
PATHOLOGICAL -a reasonable way to go  PHARMACIST -person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PLASTER CAST -the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert  POST-OPERATIVE -a letter carrier
PROTEIN -in favor of young people  RECOVERY ROOM -place to upholster furniture
RECTUM -what happened to the Corvette RED BLOOD COUNT -Dracula 
RHEUMATIC -amorous  SALINE -where you go on your boyfriend's boat 
SECRETION -hiding anything  SEROLOGY -study of English knighthood 
SURGERY -a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply  STERILE SOLUTION -not using the elevator during a fire 
TABLET -a small table  TERMINAL ILLNESS -getting sick at the airport 
TIBIA -country in North Africa  TRIPLE BYPASS -better than a quarterback sneak 
TUMOR -an extra pair  URINE -opposite of "you're out" 
VARICOSE -very close  VEIN -conceited 

You might be a Redneck if ...

You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed your hunting dogs.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school
sports event.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo? On the
cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the
scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the
animal and a recipe

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call
the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at
the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains
on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one
to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.


Rednecks go fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels,
the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the
woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any


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